My biggest issue with self development and learning healthy communication used to be that others don’t do it.
There’s a guy who I swap notes with under the pen name Dante the Panda who pointed out the following to me about it:
‘You know that’s a covert contract right?’
‘You don’t do self development or learn to communicate so others treat you better. You do it so you don’t accept being treated like shit.’
He was right. I was expecting a better reaction to me communicating my point more efficiently and that the more understanding I was towards others the more understanding they would be towards me. But you can't control a person’s reaction, only your response.
They react how they want and you decide which reaction merits a response.
Your only dilemma is the decision to put up with it or not.
From the bill of assertive rights from When I say ‘no’ I feel guilty:
‘1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.’
&
’5. You have the right to make mistakes – and be responsible for them.’
There’s a reason that book is on the sidebar.
It’s about you
Women will treat you as shitty as you let them. -Rian Stone
You’d think this is about you having influence over her behavior but it isn’t. It’s about you not allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of shitty behavior. To take yourself out of the interaction without getting emotional. Because you can’t control her behavior but you can control your response.
Love languages, attachment theory and personality types are used by a guy to treat his wife or girlfriend like a do-it-yourself project.
To placate to her and rationalizing her behavior is easier than looking inward and admitting to himself this isn't how he wants to be treated.
This is codependency.
A guy keeps giving in, hoping her behavior changes, but it never does. And no matter how badly he’s treated, it won’t matter because he can always be doing better. To question it doesn’t even come up. He rationalizes that he’s the catalyst of her behavior, so it must be his fault.
It’s not your fault
A potter should not judge himself and his work because of the quality of the clay -Watson
What happens is that a guy starts to beat himself up for her behavior when things go south.
She’s special and he just needs to try harder. But the world doesn’t revolve around him and he is not the center of the universe.
He ain’t shit and that’s oke.
Women have their own lives. They have families, friends, pets, jobs, bills and personal problems just like you. All external factors that might be influencing her behavior. It can be issues you ignored that you knew would come back to haunt you, and now you’re just a casualty in a train wreck waiting to happen you hoped would never come.
It has nothing to do with you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Neither is it your job to fix it because even if you want to you can’t. You’re just in the way of a fray train moving forward.
‘It’s not your fault.’ -Nuclear Caudillo
A healthy level of detachment makes this easy. You won’t become emotional, you won’t become judgmental and you won’t try to hold her accountable to get the answer you deep down already have. If your assumptions are wrong she’ll make the effort to prove you wrong. Or by then you’ve already found someone else. More than likely she will have already found someone else.
Turning a unhealthy level of attachment into a healthy level of detachment
She’s not yours it’s just your turn is a maxim in The Red Pill to shift a guys unhealthy attachment to a woman into a healthy detachment. Nothing lasts forever and you holding on to an ideal or religion will not make reality any different. It’s a mental model to view life as it is.
Paradoxically having this mental model to operate from gives you better results than having a woman on a pedestal. Yes, women like to be loved, coddled and reassured but not without the indignation of experiencing sadness and anger. They can not have the highs without the lows.
Having a detachment makes it easier for you to walk away on occasion. To take time out of your day to focus on yourself and not jump on the first chance to react to whatever she throws at you. To not have an emotional response or to try and make her see things for your perspective when she pushes your buttons. To be the rock that weathers the storm. To stop walking on eggshells and have your feet firmly placed onto the ground. To be able to walk away and mean it when your attention and presence aren’t valued.
Guys come to the red pill wanting to fix others and leave realizing they needed to fix themselves.